


There are no lifeguards in the dating pool

by sg_wonderland



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-30 13:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10163879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sg_wonderland/pseuds/sg_wonderland
Summary: Just a little piece of Sam/Janet humor during a lockdown





	

“I find it very easy to be philosophical at three in the morning.” I shove Sam toward the coffee pot while I snag some not-too-stale doughnuts. Behind the counter, Miriam gives us a little wave and shoos us toward a table. Wonderful lady, I don’t know how she keeps her sunny nature around this bunch. We’ve been in lock-down for sixteen hours and just about everyone is going stir crazy. 

I stopped on the way down here to order Daniel to go to bed and found him asleep in his office. Finally. I don’t know why he thought the lock-down was the perfect opportunity to work himself to death. Everyone else thought it was down-time nirvana and immediately sought the first available unoccupied bunk. The fact that some of these folks probably sought an occupied bunk I’m not even going to touch. 

Jack is bedded down in his quarters, as is Teal’c. Sam and I are just gonna catch one last snack before I do the same in the infirmary; I’m better off than most folks, I can score an actual bed. Dr. Warner is on yon side of the lock-down so I am the only doctor available, which is alright because the most serious thing I am liable to find is Daniel’s stiff neck and Jack’s highly suspicious headache.

“You scare me sometimes, Janet, you really do.” Sam moans as she just brings the entire coffeepot to our table. 

“Get a life, Sam. Here we are stuck on a base that is predominantly male and all you can think about is some ion diffuser that you want to try out on the next uninhabited planet. I repeat, get a life.”

“I’d love to,” she sighs. “But in case you hadn’t noticed, there aren’t a whole lot of fish swimming in my dating pool right now.”

“Let’s investigate that, shall we?” I doctor up the coffee to make it somewhat palatable. “And let’s just start at the top, shall we? Colonel Jack O’Neill. Date material?”

“For me? I don’t think so.”

“Forget for the moment that he is your commanding officer. Would you date him?” She sighs again. This is our version of truth or dare and she hates it.

“If he weren’t my commanding officer, would I date him?”

“Stop dancing around the question. Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

“Because?”

“Even though he can be a tremendous pain in the ass, he is also very attractive. And a lot of fun. And very dependable.”

“And he can fetch your paper and slippers. Come on, Sam, he’s not a damned cocker spaniel. Although those eyes...”

She chokes on her coffee. “More like a pit bull.”

“Hmm,” I contemplate. “German shepherd.” 

This is another game we invented one night after we dragged Daniel off the mountain in a blatant attempt to get him dog-drunk. We debated which dog breed we were most like. I ended up being a Cairn terrier, despite my vehement protests. Daniel said I was little and sassy and lively, much like Toto. I retaliated by naming him a basset hound, who are faithful and adorable and huggable, even if they don’t come with big blue eyes. Sam, we decided, was a greyhound, sleek and lean and fast. 

 

So we started on Jack, who I likened to a hunting dog, who appeared to be lazy and not much use until it got scent of what it was after, then it became a one-dog destruction team. Teal’c, we all agreed, was a St. Bernard; if you were in trouble, he’d be the one coming at you with a flask of brandy.

“Okay, back to the subject at hand.”

“Ah, you didn’t play fair.” Sam scolds me. “Colonel O’Neill. Yes or no?”

“Umm, no. I just don’t think we’d quite hit if off. Although,” I add just for fun, “it wouldn’t work between you two either if you can’t think of him as Jack.”

“Got me there. So he’s a no.”

 

“So, next on the list. Teal’c. Yes or no?”

“Uh, no. Not that he’s not attractive, because he is. But he’s just, well, he’s Teal’c.”

“And that makes him undatable?”

“Not undatable. Just unreachable.”

“Okay, I’m afraid that requires an explanation, Samantha.”

“He’s too hard to read. I mean, I’d never know where I was with him, you know?”

I have to agree. So, strike him off the list, too. “And then there’s Dr. Daniel Jackson.”

Sam squirms. “God, Janet, he’s like my brother.”

“Need I point out that there is no blood relation between the two of you at all? But I take it that’s a no?”

“Yes, that’s an emphatic no. And what about you?”

“Yes.” I answer immediately.

Sam’s eyes pop. “Janet, you could date Daniel?”

“In a heartbeat, sugar.” I drawl theatrically.

“Now I need an explanation.”

“Sam, he’s almost perfect. He’s smart, sensitive, caring, generous and he’s a pretty good kisser, too.” I slide back in my chair and wait for the explosion.

“Janet! When did you kiss Daniel? Why did you kiss Daniel?”

“Wouldn’t you love to know? All I can say is those lips are just as soft as they look.” We observe a moment of silence to consider a pair of the sexiest lips either of us is ever likely to see.

Sam snickers suddenly. “Did you have a stepladder?”

“I was going to give you the gory details, but just for that, you can just use your imagination.”

“I have a very good imagination, I’ll have you know!”

“Yeah, with ion canons and energy weapons and solar flares.”

“I refer you to my previous statement about the dating pool. And dating me can be hazardous to your health.”

“Yes, well, as a sorority sister once pointed out, there are no lifeguards in the dating pool.”

Sam laughs until she loses her breath. “Oh, God, Janet, that’s a good one. I have to remember that!”

We’re still laughing when a bleary eyed Daniel plops himself down at our table. “What are you doing up?” I ask with a frown.

“Don’t know?” His head lands on his folded arms.

“So what happened?”

“Jack woke me up.”

“Why?” It seems I’m going to have a long conversation with the colonel about letting sleeping dogs lie.

“Because he could?”

Definitely having the conversation. “Did he even tell you why?”

“Get up, Daniel, test not over yet,” Daniel mutters. “Sons of bitches got something else up their sleeve.”

The colonel was convinced the lock-down scenario, implemented minutes after General Hammond left for DC, was a test of his ability to operate the command in an emergency situation. And now he evidently thinks there is more to the scenario. Hmm, Colonel O’Neill, can you spell paranoia?

“So Colonel O’Neill woke you from a deep sleep, in direct disobedience of my orders that you be left alone to get a complete night’s sleep since you have been awake for over two days now?” I don’t even try to hide my annoyance.

Daniel raises his head, with that wide-eyed look that children get when they are trying not to fall asleep. His glasses are missing in action and his hair indicates that he spent some time face down on his little bed. He is too sleep-deprived to even try to defend the colonel, just nodding as his head drops again.

“Oh, Daniel, since you’re here, can you answer a question?” I don’t trust Sam’s dulcet tone at all.

“What are you doing?” I hiss at her.

“Hide and watch.” She hisses back at me. “Daniel, we want to ask you a question. If you could date one of us, would you?”

“What?”

“We were just talking, you know, and the subject of dating came up. We’re just wondering if you would date me or Janet?”

“No.”

“You don’t even have to think about it?” I’m sure my expression mirrors Sam’s; I think we’ve both been insulted.

“No. I love both of you far too much to ruin that by dating you. And I don’t think either of you consider me date material.” His brain is beginning to engage again, something I didn’t want happening again. I was hoping he would get some more sleep.

“Daniel, half the people on this base consider you date material.” Sam snickers.

“Half of the people could be wrong.” He reluctantly straightens up, props his face on his palm.

“At least half of them.” We all turn to see Jack standing by the table. “Daniel, I thought you were coming back up after you got some coffee.”

“I haven’t gotten any coffee yet.”

“Dammit, Daniel, stop trying to get a date! I don’t have time for this! I have to prove to Hammond that I can take command of this base. And in my capacity, I have decided to appoint you as second in command on the base.” I know my mouth is hanging open like Sam and Daniel’s. “No offense, Carter, but I’ve caught on to their evil plot. They want me to take a bold stand. Show some initiative, some imagination.”

“Naming me as your second in command is way beyond imaginative. I would call it insane. After all, I’m not actually in the Air Force.” He points out.

“There’s nothing in the regulations that say the leader of this facility has to be military.” Jack straddles a chair as he warms to his subject. “And technically, you could be considered at least equal to my rank.”

“Daniel does outrank all of us, seniority wise.” Sam notes with a barely suppressed smirk. Neither of us can picture Daniel sitting in the big chair.

“Daniel outranks no one, nor does he have the equivalent of any military rank. And Daniel likes it fine that way.” Our fearless leader is eager to decline any and all offers of authority.

“Too bad. Get your ass in gear. You’re in charge as of oh-four hundred.” He drags Daniel from his chair and out the door.

“Uh, Janet, about dating Daniel?”

“I stand by that statement.”

“You’d better ask him out quickly. Because in fifteen minutes, he becomes your commanding officer.”

“Damn!”


End file.
